"Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" puts forward a very strong view on behalf of Chinese/Chinese-American mothers who hold their children to rigorous and demanding standards even if that requires using abusive language as "motivation" (author's words)
I was interested in hearing the viewpoints of those who have had a mother with the characteristics that Amy Chua advocates. Did you think you benefited from it, were hurt by it or experienced a mix of the two?
Chinese mothers are not superior. It's clear that the author Amy Chua has a new book out and linkbait headlines in the WSJ will help her sell them. I understand she uses the term "Chinese Mother" to represent a certain parenting style - one that I am very familiar with from personal experience.
Here's my take on it. My family immigrated to the U.S. from Taiwan in the 70s. My mother was a stay at home mom raising 4 kids and was stereotypical strict. I lived in that household where getting a B on your report card was a sign of failure. A lot of focus and pressure was placed on the first child - my older sister - in the hopes that she would set an example for the rest of us. In a very painful hindsight I think you can say too much emphasis was placed on molding my sister into the example my mother wanted the rest of us to follow. I don't blame her as she did the best she could to raise us in the U.S. in the style that she was raised ...in Taiwan.
There's a culture clash you can't overlook here. The "superior" Chinese mother in my life had a strictly results driven, merit based mindset and a heavy emphasis on test scores, achievements and report cards being able to show that her daughter was better than everyone else in the class -- which in turn was a reflection on her success as a parent. However, the environment in which she raised us in was a different country. One that she has honestly never gotten used to or felt comfortable in living in. To her, the idea of having her children become "Americanized" was looked down upon as failure. The idea of allowing a more flexible stance, a softer tone or an expression of individualism was out of the question. This duality of living in a very "Chinese" household and going to school where our American teachers taught us to be free thinking and creative were constantly at odds with each other growing up.
Drawing from personal experience, the reason why I don't feel this works is because I've seen an outcome that Amy Chua, the author fails to address or perhaps has yet to experience.
My big sister was what I used to jealously call "every Asian parent's wet dream come true" (excuse the crassness, but it really does sum up the resentment I used to feel towards her). She got straight As. Skipped 5th grade. Perfect SAT score. Varsity swim team. Student council. Advanced level piano. Harvard early admission. An international post with the Boston Consulting Group in Hong Kong before returning to the U.S. for her Harvard MBA. Six figure salary. Oracle. Peoplesoft. Got engaged to a PhD. Bought a home. Got married.
Her life summed up in one paragraph above.
Her death summed up in one paragraph below.
Committed suicide a month after her wedding at the age of 30 after hiding her depression for 2 years. She ran a plastic tube from the tailpipe of her car into the window. Sat there and died of carbon monoxide poisoning in the garage of her new home in San Francisco. Her husband found her after coming home from work. A post-it note stuck on the dashboard as her suicide note saying sorry and that she loved everyone.
Mine is an extreme example of course. But 6 years since her passing, I can tell you that the notion of the "superior Chinese mother" that my mom carried with her also died with my sister on October 28, 2004. If you were to ask my mom today if this style of parenting worked for her, she'll point to a few boxes of report cards, trophies, piano books, photo albums and Harvard degrees and gladly trade it all to have my sister back.
For every success story that has resulted from the "Chinese mothers" style of parenting, there are chapters that have yet to unfold. The author can speak to her example of how it's worked for her but it'll be interesting to see how long you can keep that gig up and pass it down until something gives.
As a responsibility to herself as a "superior Chinese mother", I think Amy Chua should do a bit of research outside her comfort zone and help readers understand why Asian-American females have one of the highest rates of suicide in the U.S. -- I bet many of you didn't know that. I didn't until after the fact. It'd make a good follow up book to this one she's currently profiting from.
A few years ago I got up the guts to begin sharing the story of my sister because the more I learned about depression and suicide following her death, I found myself growing increasingly frustrated with the stigma of depression in our society. I was also shocked to learn that Asian-American females had one of the highest suicide rates in the U.S.
I have personally helped 2 young women in the last few years who reached out to me as a result of sharing my story. Both the "perfect" daughters of "superior Chinese mothers" who were sharp Ivy League grads hiding their depression from their families and friends. I was also able to play a role in preventing the suicide of a friend of mine several months ago because of the awareness I've developed about depression and suicide since my sister's passing.
I want to clarify again that my sister's story is an extreme example that hits home for me. I'm not trying to say that strict "Chinese mother" style parenting was solely the cause that lead to her depression and suicide nor will it result in all kids burning out later on in life.
But I do hope it shows that this parenting style isn't a proven template that results in all kids turning into the success stories that author Amy Chua gives herself credit for raising.
*media: please note this answer is marked "not for reproduction"
UPDATE 1/9: I emailed author Amy Chua
this evening (1/9). Expressed my disappointment about the WSJ piece and
pointed to this Quora thread. To my surprise I received a prompt reply
from her that said:
Dear [redacted]: Thank you for taking the time to write me, and I'mso sorry about your sister. I did not choose the title of the WSJ excerpt, and I don't believe that there is only one good way of raising children. The actual book is more nuanced, and much of it is about my decision to retreat from the "strict Chinese immigrant"model.
Best of luck to you,
Amy Chua
Well, the editor at the WSJ who made up the headline ...and her publisher must be happy at all the buzz and traffic this excerpt has gotten. Unfortunately, I think it comes at the expense of being able to get across the "nuance" she speaks of and definitely doesn't indicate that she has since retreated from the "strict Chinese immigrant" model we're all debating. Clearly it's because we're all expected to buy the book. I get it. Hit a nerve. Drive traffic to WSJ. Make her look evil. Penguin sells books. She gets a cut and gets to say she was just kidding about being a superior Chinese mother. Everyone profits there. Is that the play? Whatever.
UPDATE 1/13:
It appears that the author is making her rounds in the U.S. media with a softer tone and accusing WSJ of misrepresenting her. Great strategy. Looks like it's working. Meanwhile, friends in China share that the Chinese version of her book is out soon via CITIC. Chinese title reads: "Being a Mother in America" -- Again, I have to give her credit. She plays both sides well. See link below. (h/t @goldkorn via Twitter)
China version. Slightly different cover art from the U.S. version if i'm not mistaken. Maybe she'll claim she had no idea about the Chinese title too. I'm sure sales will do well in China. No shortage of Chinese mothers who dream of being able to raise their child in the U.S. and see them become "successful"
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